November 3.

A lot of authority figures have failed me in my story.

Let me down. Cheated.  Shamed me. Hidden. Abandoned. Lied. Not provided for basic needs because they were in their own form of survival mode in their own story and weren’t equipped to fill their role in full.  Maybe you have your own story of survival.

There were many forms of love I encountered that felt like chaos to me instead of safety, and in this I was nurtured. The results: are me, at freaking 36 years old still fighting anxiety and depression and constant need to rewire and transform my brain…  at the same time fight with the tension of being where I am, not striving, allowing God to breathe life into these dead places.

Because of this, I have struggled with trusting people in so many ways and have learned something very important in the process.

I cannot trust in people. 

People cannot fully lean on or rely on me. I will fail just like they have.

In this season God has been speaking to my heart a warmth over these places of anxiety and crippling depression. I have felt him whisper–“it is for this reason… to teach you to lean toward me, cling to me, I will not let you down, I am working.”

And in leaning on Him it means I lean away from other places I have before so heavily relied on, whether that be parents or marriage or friends or striving or being a workaholic and finding my identity in things that haven’t filled me (like accomplishments or self promotion).

I digress. I say this all to say that whoever  wins this election will fail us. But God has not and God will not. Even now I lean back into this chair and close my eyes letting the sun in. I hear the hum of nature. I’m blinded by the green of the grass. The sun fingers the soft wool next to me and the shadow plays on my face.

This passage found me last week, and it was one I had been wanting to find. Clinging to it today. Leaning on it today. I do believe that whoever wins we are told to love and respect the person holding that position.

“I urge, then, First of all, that petitions, prayers and intercession and THANKSGIVING be made for all people–for kings and ALL THOSE IN AUTHORITY, that we may live peaceful, and quiet lives in godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleasing to God our Savior.” 1 Tim 2:1-3